It is 7:00am and I have been awake off & on every hour since around 3:30am. It has been this way for some time now. When I awaken within those hours from dreams that doesn’t seem like my own, I awaken in prayer and thought as well as a sadness of what I have been experiencing these last couple of weeks.
Earlier I stated that the dreams did not feel like my own. That is because I am the type person who is not use to ordinary, common dreams. For many of you, this may not make since or seem logic and you may fail to understand what I really mean but all my life since a young child I can only recollect having spiritual dreams.
When I initially began having these (normal) dreams a month or so ago it literally made me very nervous and upset, both at the same time. It did not alarm me too much at the time because I was also still having spiritual dreams but as time went on things changed and I were only having these regular dreams and dreams that was just vulgar! Not to add the fact that I was no longer hearing my Father’s voice or feeling His touch. These things not only made me very upset and also angry but also, extremely uneasy and edgy because I did not understand why. It also made me sad and miserable, so much so that at the thought of it made tears fall from my eyes. I was at a place like Paul (of the Bible). I had to encourage myself, though not satisfying enough as I had hoped. This has indeed impacted my life in major way. I have been very angry lately, very sad and some what confused. I have also had a strong desire to make sure that my house is in complete order, spiritually & physically.
My position has been, “Father, what am I being chastised for? What have I done wrong? What lesson are you trying to show me in this? What must I do for this to be different?”
One thing that stayed in my mind is that, “If this indeed a test and NOT a result of something I have done then I can not afford not to pass ONLY to have to take it again later on!” I do the only thing that I know to do and that is to KEEP praying and NOT give up. Giving up is NEVER an option for me, no matter how hard things may get because my thoughts are, “I have come too far!” If I have to go through in the dark, on my knees with tears streaming down my face then SO BE IT! I know it want be for naught for I believe and know that everything WILL work out for my good in thee end.
With tears coming down my face I tell myself, “Catonya, arise and shine! Put on strength & take heart! Continue to move! For your light WILL soon come and the glory of the Lord WILL rise upon YOU!”
NEVERTHELESS, NOT MY WILL BUT YOURS (My Father, God) BE DONE! AMEN!